happiness is a choice, thats what people always say. i think life is full of beautiful things if we choose to see them. as much as i always try to see it that way, i cant help feeling extremely disturbed and upset when it comes to illnesses and ultimately, our last stage in life: death.
yesterday was my first time hearing daddy crying into the phone. my uncle was admitted to the hospital, and they found out that his cancer had all along been there since 2 yrs ago, but his daughter (my cousin) did not tell anyone in the family.
my first reaction was, HUH? how can she do this? is it fair to my uncle? is it fair to us? but as things started to settle in my head and i thought more carefully, hey it must have been difficult for her too. very difficult in fact. having to swallow the cruelty alone bcos u're afraid that any mention about cancer would cause distress to the patient himself and especially his will to survive, since my uncle was weak and he couldn't afford to undergo any chemo or ops. in these 2 yrs my cousin has nv for a moment shown any sign of worry whenever we were back to kampung to visit.
i thought about how painful that must have been, and i silently wept in my sleep. being a daughter myself, whose father was once a cancer patient too, i totally understand how heavy that would feel. i had mummy to share the pain with, but my cousin? she kept it all herself.
what daddy said in the phone pained me too, that why would a healthy person turn sick out of a sudden. good question, i wanted to understand too. used to be that we're the naive little fools asking questions, like why is grandma asleep in that black rectangular wooden piece of thing? and now it is daddy who was asking, and when he did, i understood immediately that i'm no longer young and naive, but our loved ones are getting old and sickly.
there was a long silence in the phone where none of us spoke, only sobbing, and it was scary.
i vaguely rmb writing smth about death makes being alive purposeful or smth along that line, so well said. but whenever it hits me in the face, i'm weak at facing the truth and would rather hope that there is no death in this world. how stupid. or you could call that human maybe.
Mar 19, 2008 @ 3:44 PM
out of a sudden im very depressed :(( for no obvious reasons.
so many things to be done, but so little time. my work has chosen this unholy time to get busier by the day... more and more ad-hoc stuff from the managers. i shouldn't complain, since i was the one who wanted more work..just that, it happens to be the post a-level peak period now too!! like damn alot things going on, so many things to apply, and of course the worries of not meeting the deadlines too.
every day there's a new list of agenda, both work and personal stuff. like...suddenly i realised i need to get a haircut, suddenly i have to go to the bank for debit card, suddenly need to go to police station to change address, then post office, and suddenly got dinner with a friend, suddenly need to call ICA, pay bills, buy books for my tutees etc..........
the list of agenda will just go on and on, even though i've been constantly completing what im supposed to complete alr. it's even busier than school days where there were only TUTORIALS to worry about. it used to be very clear cut, academic stuff + abit of CCA, thats about it. that's where the attention goes to. but nowadays i see very random issues appearing on my agenda such as submitting application fees, going to the bank, buy a table fan...that kind? it's a whole list of extremely mundane matters, but they take up much of your time, still? and u have to keep track of so many things that are ongoing at the same time.
studying was definitely tough, but tough was just tough, it cant get any complicated than tough right? but nowadays..things are NOT tough at all (admin work is pretty brainless btw) but they're all over the place. ALOT of multi tasking to do, and it's exhausting :(
on a less depressing note, I FINALLY CUT MY HAIR IN SINGAPORE!
it was my first time okay (shocked?) but cant rlly say i cut, cos it was barely shortened. the lady just TRIMMED it such that there's more shape, and now i have fringe! and i kinda like it man. hmm i think i shld keep fringe frm now on!
ytd night after my haircut, i got back home and the first msn msg i saw was: "chiann, i cut my hair!" LOL. didnt know cousins can xin ling xiang tong too :D
haiz, tired tired tired. not enough sleep :( and our housemate was being quite nasty (i feel. fine, i just DID NOT like the way she put it) last night. damn.
i've already planned the tai ci that im gonna act out to shoot her back. jian hor? too bad, i believe in treating people the same way they treat me. ha, dont start giving me the 以德报怨 moral ed. that's for ppl who have achieved nirvana, too noble for a mortal like me ;)
Mar 14, 2008 @ 2:07 PM
there's a new manager here in our company (not my dept) and just as i was about to label him as being 'nice and charming', i realised there is always another side to every human being o.O
fine, he's from RJ. and the moment i said i was from hc, he had this 'oh......' (plus abit of a frowning/puzzled/mocking look) which already got me a little... @#%
and the convo that followed went smth like this:
XX: "so what are you going to study?" me: "NTU biz, hoping to get into the actuarial major." XX: "actuarial science?? you know what is it not?" (CONDESCENDING look+tone) me: (trying not to look offended, but failed a little) "um.. yes." XX: "what is it?" (he actually asked -.- @#!$ by which time i was already QUITE offended) me: "um.. mathematics?" he dint look v satisfied with the answer. me: "statistics?" still no expression. me: "insurance???" XX: "er..ya......" (nods a little) (what he DIDN'T say: oh shit, so u actually know huh)
XX: "but...why do u want to study that??" (frowning again)
thank goodness ed joined us at the table and i promptly excused myself to the washroom
wah irritating leh him. just because i'm 18 u think i dont take things seriously? and just bcos u're a lawyer u think u know everything that others dont?
and his behaviour at the orientation ytd was totally . slouching on the chair + yawning at the instructor?! i would nv have believed he's a lawyer if i didnt know him.
supper + overnight K on sat, go home for a nap, followed by step up II on sun aft! yayy :D
im having very thick phlegm since this morning. gross.
Mar 10, 2008 @ 9:14 AM
the excitement of results day came, and went.
much better than what i'd expected, very contented! :) if there's any regrets, it's probably the merit that i got for CLL H3. not what i'd aimed for. but well, im already very happy with what i've gotten.
and the most important thing being i could very proudly tell my parents and my ever so supportive 6H frens: i've not wasted my 6 years here. i was so worried that i would disappoint them...partly bcos of the high regard they hold for me, and partly cos of the expectations i had for myself. and now there's finally a proper closure to a 6-year education.
had a lot more to say, most of which i've already said HERE
lazy to repeat myself ;)
anyways, thank you my dear friends. wouldn't have been that proud of what i've gotten, had it not been achieved under your company.
2 hrs X 5 nights X 40 weeks X 4 years = 1600 hrs scholarz, thanks for the 1600 hrs of prep time ;)
4/3, thanks to the smart genes in all of you! the 2 years weren't exactly the most enjoyable to be honest, but it was definitely the most motivated period of my life, it pushed me to understand what working hard really means.
yen and hong and kaiying, thanks for walking me thru these 2 very tough years. i finally understood how much it meant to me the moment i shed tears when yen's name came out in the powerpoint. well done my dears!
6B!!! u are like the highlight of my JC years man. ha! nv expected to make so many gd frens in college, u guys are a crazily lame fun bunch to hang around with. studying was tough, but you ppl became the 加应子 at the end of every 苦药. ha, what an apt metaphor! what i said on class blog was 101% sincere okai..
special thanks to mr chua, ur help motivated me alot alot. the A for physics is the one i'm happiest about.
of course to my parents and 6H as well, for giving me the firm belief yet minimum pressure.
----
but life's races never stop here, it's just starting. get ready for another beginning, and all the best to you and me.
Mar 5, 2008 @ 10:09 AM
the company bus driver never fails to amuse me.
i think he enjoys talking to me, but the point is, he keeps asking the same set of questions every time i see him. such as, so you live in KL? which part of KL? u've been here for 6 years? and the same comments like, oh i used to drive to KL, bukit bintang is right at the heart of KL right? i know! wah u're so independent. and so forth...
and he keeps calling me xiao jie -.- makes me feel old
we finally had a different convo topic yesterday that went smth like:
-.- he's damn open huh. and the whole bus was listening....
bored bored bored.
wah i just realised the valentine's flower is still lying nicely on my table. surprisingly it hasnt wilted too much but it's time to get rid of it anyway.
have i told you all about what happened? lol.
on that day itself my company guys decided to get all the ladies frm the corporate side (legal, finance, HR, retail, IT etc) flower stalks. so in the morning my corporate director (aka our big boss), tgt with martin, came to HR to give out flowers. i decided to act as if nothing was going on, for fear that it'd be deeply embarrassing for both the guys and myself in case they hadn't counted me in since i was only a temp, and was here for only about a month or so.
ha! guess what! they really didn't. i thought they were going to avoid the embarrassment by quickly moving on to the nxt department or smth, but after a minute or so my boss (who doesn't know my name) came over and gave me a rocher! he went like,
"hey i dunno if the guys count u in (as if he's not one), we'll check later if there's one for u, but here's a rocher for you anyway, happy valentine's! pls do not feel left out or anything, but i guess u wouldn't mind since we're not ur boyfriend or anything?"
WHOA he knew exactly what i was thinking! ha, i'd rather have a rocher than flower from u all la, at least can eat :) flowers are only meaningful when they're frm special people, what. i dont really care whether i get flowers frm them :P
but in the end......after checking, THEY PREPARED ONE FOR ME! i was pleasantly surprised of course.
haha, yea, so that's how i ended up with a flower & AN EXTRA ROCHER :D
ahh this is such a long overdue story.
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friday friday friday.
somehow the nervousness hasn't quite set in. probably the anticipation lasted too long, now it's reduced to numbness and nothing else.
Mar 4, 2008 @ 8:50 AM
5 minutes ago i received this sms from my tutee's mom:
"Morn xinqian. Wanling did badly for her sci 74% grade B, Eng 78% grade A. Pls help 2 boost marks."
!? !? !? !? WAH stressed =X
eunice, helppppp!!!
Mar 2, 2008 @ 4:24 PM
on class tagboard:
scholar: hey ppl, mindef juz confirmed with moe that results will be released on 070308, which is this fri...so enjoy urself n try not to think too much =S
even though this is like no surprise alr, my heart sort of skipped a beat when i read it. thank goodness it's still a friday.
Me.
chiann
22
17 jan
6H.205.403.06s6b.NBS
loves daddy mummy
loves my family
loves my friends
loves fUng 峯
also love:
* scholarz!
* 6H
* 06s6b
* Delphus
* Impreeeeee
* yamapi, jin
* leehom
* louis koo
* wch, fuhaifeng
* hk dramas
* badminton, vball
* music & piano
* photos
* quality time with loved ones
* words of affirmation